my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize