Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
