No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
