this beer tastes like vomit already
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
