I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
