I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
