I am puke
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
