he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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