I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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