sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
