I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I cannot find my penis.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
