my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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