Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
