This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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