what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
