I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
