Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
