I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
