On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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