Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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