Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
