some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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