just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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