Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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