i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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