Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
