The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
