I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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