My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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