i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize