my phone needs a breathalizer
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
