From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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