My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
