First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
