I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
