Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we should paint friendship bongs
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