Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
