Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize