Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
