We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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