Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I want to make a zoo with you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
