My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
