ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
