I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I love you. Go after that dick
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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