apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
