Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
