My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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