3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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