Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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