Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
