She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
