Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
