we're chasing vodka with high fives
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im holly from the hills drunk
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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