We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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