Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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