can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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