i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
