My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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