I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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