Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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