So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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