I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Be still, my beating vagina.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He's on the porch naked. Help.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize