I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
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