There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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