I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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