When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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