I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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