currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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