insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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