i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
