if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize